This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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