"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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