I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
