hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He better not be in your backpack
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
