I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My feet surprised me
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
