mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
