Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
