You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
