I want to walk on stilts...naked
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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