I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
