Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
