I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
