I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
