??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
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