My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
