how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
