Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
