see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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