When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
