If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
