We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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