I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
