grandma shit on top of the toilet
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
