dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
