My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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