i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
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