so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
We had sex on a dog bed..
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
