Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
