I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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