so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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