Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
