community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
