Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
