The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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