kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
