So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
