She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Im part way to drunk.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
