can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
