our cab driver is having phone sex.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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