I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
