if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
