The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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