he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
