We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
