Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
