we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
