I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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