too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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