so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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