I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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