She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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