well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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