If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize