Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
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Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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