Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
